villain cliches?

Question

i am writing a story making fun of all those stories with cliched villains, does anyone know of a list of villain cliches? thanks!
Additional Details

0 seconds ago
like an online list or if you know any write them here thanks

Answer 1

You might want to move this question to Arts and Humanities...you'll get better answers.



This is a list from Moviecliches.com



VILLAINS



* The bad guy is the foreigner.

* Corollary: the foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent

* The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or decomission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don't assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.)

* No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you've killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl.

* When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off.

* The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don't seem to run out of loyal henchmen.

* Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.

* You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarly length of time; typically this is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor's Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's demise, you utter your trademark phrase.

* Whenever a villian has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.

* The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.

* The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape.

* When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off.

* You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in the late 40's and 50's, Asians in the 60's and 70's, Soviets in the 70's and 80's and Middle Easterners in the 90's).



This second list is from Stupid Plot Tricks:



Section A: The Bad Guy



If I Ever Become the Evil Overlord...



1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.



2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.



3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.



4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.



5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.



6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.



7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."



8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.



9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.



10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.



11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.



12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.



13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.



14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.



15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.



16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."



17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.



18. I will not have a son. Although his ludicrously ill-planned attempt to usurp power would fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.



19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.



20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.



21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.



22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.



23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.



24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)



25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.



26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there are others just as attractive who are not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.



27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.



28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.



29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.



30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.



31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.



32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.



33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear stainless-steel bustiers. It's hard on their morale. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.



34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.



35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.



36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.



37. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.



38. If an enemy I have just killed has any offspring or younger siblings, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of letting them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.



39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.



40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.



41. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.



42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.



43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.



44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.



45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.



46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.



47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.



48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.



49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.



50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.



51. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.



52. I will have a team of board-certified architects and surveyors examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels I don't know about.



53. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.



54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.



55. Deformed mutants and oddball psychotics have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.



56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.



57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.



58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.



59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.



60. My five-year-old advisor (see above) will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.



61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.



62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.



63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.



64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.



65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps of my complex they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.



66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.



67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.



68. I will spare someone who saved my life in the past. This is only reasonable, as it encourages others to do so. However, it's a one-time offer. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.



69. Independent midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.



70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.



71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty to see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.



72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.



73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.



74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.



75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.



76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)



77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.



78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."



79. If my doomsday device comes with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.



80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.



81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off, and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat, instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.



82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.



83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.



84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.



85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."



86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.



87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.



88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence, then send the same group out to try the task again.



89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.



90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.



91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.



92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways, and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)



93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.



94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.



95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.



96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.



97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.



98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.



99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.



100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.



101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me; I'll do it myself.



102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident; I'm not accountable to anyone, and my other enemies wouldn't believe it anyway.



103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.



104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.



105. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.



106. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.



107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.



108. Any magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has sacrificed his/her life will be outlawed and destroyed.



109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and outlander accents shall regularly climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.



110. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted that he'll never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.



111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.



112. I will not rely on "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.



113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot-high double doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.



114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.



115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly unless all my soldiers are dead.



116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.



117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"



118. If I have equipment which has some important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.



119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.



120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.



121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.



122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.



123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.



124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.



125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.



126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.



127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.



128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.



129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.



130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.



131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.



132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.



133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses, and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.



134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for him to pull up alongside me, then try to force him off the road while he tries to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics is useful.)



135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)



136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.



137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.



138. The passageways of my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.



139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)



140. I will instruct my guards to look for the chamber pot when checking a cell that appears empty. If it's still there, the prisoner has escaped, and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it, or he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.



141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.



142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep a three-year-old grandchild near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it's necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation that's way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords, and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.



143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.



144. I will teach my guards to stand in reasonable formation when they fire at the hero so he cannot duck between them and cause them to accidentally shoot each other.



145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.



146. If my surveillance reports any unmanned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.



147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.



148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.



149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.



150. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".



151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.



152. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.



153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.



154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.



155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.



156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.



157. When plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion three days after it's scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.



158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.



159. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.



160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.



161. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not fall into a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a gong before finishing off my enemy.



162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.



163. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.



164. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.



165. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.



166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.



167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.



168. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.



169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.



170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.



171. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rappelling down from above.



172. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors' name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment, instead of ancient riddles.



173. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.



174. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.



175. I will have my fortress exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.



176. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.



177. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.



178. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero and scan the area behind me. If anything was heading for me, it will now be heading for him.



179. I will not outsource core functions.



180. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.



181. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.



182. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.



183. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.



184. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesotan accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornish accent (if everyone sounds British).



185. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.



186. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.



187. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.



188. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.



189. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.



190. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.



191. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.



192. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.



193. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. The fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.



194. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travelers to entrust them to aged hermits.



195. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.



196. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.



197. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.



198. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.



199. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.



200. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.



201. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.



202. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.



203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.



204. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.



205. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.



206. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.



207. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Anyone caught making out in a closet and leaving their station unmanned will be shot.



208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good PR for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.



209. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch, simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.



210. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.



211. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.



212. I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.



213. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.



214. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)



215. If I MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.



216. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.



217. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to be-come my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.



218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.



219. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.



220. If I have a single vulnerability, I will fake a different one -- for example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."



221. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.



222. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. How-ever if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"



223. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.



224. I will build machines which simply fail when over-loaded, rather than wiping out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or setting off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".



225. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.



226. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.



227. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.



228. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.



229. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.



230. I will not put off any ritual granting immortality.



This list is from Bored.com list of Funny Movie Cliches...not all of them are about villians, but I don't have the time to edit the list:



Heroes are equally adept at firing handguns with either their left or right hand, or frequently both hands at the same time.



Heroes can eat nothing but Burgers , Pizza and Hot Dogs and still be in great physical shape .



Heroes can go without food or sleep, with no measurable drop in physical or mental faculties, for at least 72 hours.



Heroes' guns don't get wet, and even fire from underwater.



Heroes have more accurate aim when being shot at if they somersault out of the way of the bullets, and immediately fire one shot when they land on their feet.



Heroes will always suffer at least one cut during a duel, either across the chest, cheek, forehead, or upper arm. Later during the fight, he will retaliate by giving the villain an identical cut





Heroes/Heroines can completely disguise themselves by donning a pair of glasses (usually with very fashionable, barely there frames). Leading ladies may also put their hair in a pony tail or bun, or button their blouse a bit. Of course, then no one can tell it's him/her.



Heroes and villains can successfully use wood, no matter how thin, as a safe shield against bullets of any caliber.



Heroes can run through heavy gunfire from the bad guys and never once get hit.



High-class strippers with a heart of gold can will, if the plot demands it, turn out to have specialized technical skills and abilities.



High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work



High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.



Honest and hardworking policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement



Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.



Horses never get winded, throw a shoe, etc., until the pursuing sheriff is right behind the hero.



Hospital administrators care about nothing but money.



Hospital food is always edible and appetizing, unless used for comedic effect, in which case the patient next to you has a steak and you have slop.



Houses in horror movies always come equipped with easily accessible fuse boxes and telephone wires, rickety basement stairs with at least one loose or easily-breakable step, a dank basement where the only light source is a naked light bulb (the switch to which is usually located at the bottom of the stairs), a musty attic filled with boxes and trunks and a dressmaker's dummy, and thick shrubbery that will break the fall of any victim that falls out a window. This same shrubbery will be conveniently absent when the killer takes a header out a window.



Houses never have screens in the windows.



Hugging: American families like to hug. When hugging, one should say "I llove you, son".



Hundreds of lighted candles will appear in the room where a couple are about to have sex. Nobody has to light them or put them out. No matter how intense the sex gets, nobody accidentally sets the bed on fire by knocking over one of the candles.



Hunters are invariably portrayed as idiotic clods in red plaid shirts and goofy-looking caps. They're all careless with guns, very likely to discharge one at a nearby (and far more intelligent) onlooker, and they, from all appearances and impressions, have no concern whatsoever for the precious natural resources that, through license fees and excise taxes, hunters and fishermen ironically pay the lion's share of .



Ice cream: Unhappy people eat it at night, straight from the box.



If a blonde and a brunette are in equal peril, the brunette will die.



If a car breaks down, it will always stop on a railroad track. A train will appear in a matter of seconds.



If a character has a suspicious past, they have a scrapbook full of mementos and newspaper clippings directly related to their shady history that someone is bound to find.



If a character says I'll never fall in love, they undoubtedly will.



If a character uses martial arts rather than a weapon, his opponents will always face him one-to-one. Spare bad guys may dance around the fight taunting our hero, but none will engage until his predecessor has been disposed of. And if it's an oriental martial arts film, they will fight in perfect one-two rhythm and form, hit-block-hit-block.



If a detailed scene is presented, in which a man enters his cars, puts on his belt and starts the car - either the car is booby-trapped or someone is hiding in the back seat.



If a detective, the hero will not request backup and observe 'till help arrives, but will always face a small army of bad-guys alone. Help will arrive just in time to cart them off.



If a detective/investigator visits a murder-victims grave he will always find someone else visiting at exactly the same time who will be able to help him solve the murder.



If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.



If a gas station and a man with a machine gun appear in the same scene, before the scene ends the gas station will explode. The same is true of fuel drums.



If a hero magnanimously spares the defeated villain's life, the villain will take the first opportunity to make a last desperate murderous lunge, forcing the hero to shoot him dead. Thus the hero gets to stand on the moral high ground and kill the bad guy anyway.



If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have nightmare at that exact same moment



If a man and a woman are exposed to the same conditions and the same environment, the man will need to wear more clothing than the woman.



If a man and a woman meet under circumstances which any two normal people would instantly hate each other, they will marry before the picture is over.



If a man is changing a baby boy's diaper, the baby will pee on him.



If a man is looking at himself in the mirror they always do something goofy like dance in their underwear or check out their fat gut.



If a man is seen shaving, he will invariably be interrupted, and will be compelled to leave the bathroom with shaving cream on his face. If he wipes it off before leaving, he will have a perfectly shaven face regardless of the point the process was interrupted at.



If a man with a machine gun and a man with a pistol have a gunfight, the man with the pistol will win.



If a married couple is in divorce or are divorced, and they have to work together in the movie, they will almost certainly get back together before the end of the movie. However, the man has to perform at least one silly stunt - preferably risking his life more than once - before they do.



If a movie takes place in San Francisco, there will be a car chase.



If a movie takes place in Washington, D.C., either the hero, the villain, or the hero or villain's government boss will have an office with a perfect view of either the Washington Monument or the Capitol Dome. At least once in the movie, the hero will visit the Lincoln Memorial.



If a person gets shot they have plenty of time to tell all kinds of things except the most important information (like the name of the murderer).



If a person good person dies with his eyes open, a friend will close them, and they will remain closed. If a villain dies with his eyes open, no one will close them, and the camera will linger on his face.



If a person must barge into an office guarded by an assistant (usually female) the assistant will pop up and shout you can't just barge in there. She is always ignored. If the subject in the room is alone, the assistant will say I'm sorry sir, s/he just barged past me. If the subject is NOT alone, he will be in a meeting with a few businessmen (usually Japanese) and the secretary will not appear.



If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically pressing the cradle switch and saying, "Hello? Hello?"



If a plan is so crazy it just might work, it always will. Plans are never so crazy, they're unlikely to work.



If a police officer is about to retire, and hopes to take his last few days easy, he will inevitably be caught up in his most adventurous and dangerous police case yet.



If a power line is down in a film, it will always dance around like a snake and shoot sparks even though power lines do not do this in real life.



If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to different unit, the buddy will be dead, or will die shortly there after.



If a supercomputer is made too powerful, it will eventually become self-conscious and want to destroy all life in the universe.



If a teenage couple even thinks about having sex, the girl gets pregnant.



If a villain falls from a high-rise building, his body will strike the only parked car in the area precisely on the center of the car's roof.



If a woman gets hold of a gun and threatens a bad guy with it, he will always find the situation either hysterically funny and/or not the least bit threatening.



If a woman is on her own in the house, she will invariably take a shower or have a bath.



If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.



If a woman takes a bath, bubbles will cover the naughty bits. If she takes a shower and reveals her naughty bits, she will die.



If a woman takes a bath, she'll always make sure to light at least 7 or more candles for the perfect lighting.



If a women gets her hands on a weapon of some sort. She will do one of two things. Run away rather than use it, or drop it when the villain jumps out and startles her.



If an action movie hero is above the age of 35 (sometimes younger) it is statistically certain that after a few strenuous brushes with death he will say "I'm getting too old for this ****".



If an actor is seen at an airport, train station, etc., he carries his suitcases without any strain.



If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won't happen.



If an investigation proves difficult, a Chief of Police will either suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.



If anyone is pointing a gun at you, and says, I'm going to kill you, but first I'm going to tell you why, don't worry. They never succeed after telling you why.



If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- no matter what time of year it is. If you can't find a St. Patrick's Day parade, try for a Chinese New Year celebration and hide in the dragon.



If cash is presented in some kind of transaction, a briefcase is used to hold it all. Etiquette requires that you open the briefcase then swivel it and turn it around.



If defibrillation doesn't work, the best way to revive someone whose heart has stopped is to scream "You can't do this to me! I love you, goddammit!" at them.



If fallen into by the hero, contains empty cardboard boxes. Also alleys in movies contain an inordinate number of discarded mattresses which are extremely soft, allowing for 2-3 story falls without injury to the hero, an advantage over villains who required by movie law to descend the fire escape.



If hero OR villain takes an elevator, villain OR hero can beat it by taking stairs, even if the trip is 20 floors.



If it begins to rain during the funeral, umbrellas appear out of nowhere and they will always be black. Even if the funeral is huge -- everyone magically has a black umbrella.



If one group is being chased by another group, at least one person in the first group will turn to the others and say, "We got company".



If soldiers start to eat/drink/change socks/go to the bathroom, they will get orders to move out immediately.



If somebody coughs or sneezes in movies, it means they have cancer or some other fatal disease. Unless they have allergies.



If someone doesn't answer the door after knocking and waiting 3 seconds, they are not home. It's safe to let yourself in.



If someone gives a time estimate, such as when a bomb will go off, they will be accurate to the second.



If someone has "fixed" the foot-brakes in the car, the driver never use the hand-brake and the gears to slow down, at least not until the last moment.



If someone takes the time to point out an object that's been handed down for generations/given to them by a beloved relative shortly before said relative died/a priceless antique, and the movie is a comedy, action or horror movie, you can be sure that object will be destroyed.



If someone wants to call the hero, he/she will let the phone ring forever before hanging up, especially if the caller does not know that the hero has to fight his way to the phone through a bunch of bad guys.



If someone scans the area with binoculars, say from the left to the right, he will not immediately notice an anomaly. only a second after the anomaly went out of site, he will realize that he missed something, and return the binoculars to the left.



If the bad guy leaves his apartment and uses the elevator, the good guy's elevator arrives as the bad guy's is leaving.



If the bride to be is seen on screen in her wedding dress before the ceremony, the wedding will not take place. Usually due to unreasonable/unpleasant groom to be, or fascinating 11th hour love interest.



If the cables to an elevator are cut, the elevator will plummet to the bottom of the shaft despite the fact that all modern elevators have inertial brakes to stop them.



If the funeral is at the end of the movie on the characters will sometimes (usually the widow, or daughter) will come up to the detective, and mention that they are leaving the city to live with a sister in (insert your own state name here.) Or else they will say good-bye in some way.



If the government or some other agency recruits you to provide your expertise to deal with an unforeseen national disaster or crisis, watch out! Chances are your ex-spouse or ex-girlfriend/boyfriend will be recruited for the same reason.



If the hero and villain's swords cross at or below waist level, they will break the clinch, fall back, and pause -- despite the fact that a simple upthrust into the opponent's belly after the break would end the duel right there and then.



If the hero asks a kid to stay safely hidden until the fight is over, the kid will invariably crawl away as soon as the hero turns his back. Usually the kid will crawl right within the villains arms' reach.



If the hero chases a bad guy through a hotel kitchen, some fool is going to have a huge tray of food which will get shoved into his face.



If the hero gets into a second fight, his most injured body part will always be punched or kicked.



If the hero has a psychological/physical problem which has prevented him from effectively dealing with problems, you can rest assured that this problem will disappear at an opportune time.



If the hero is a white male and has an assistant/sidekick who is either not white or not male the assistant/sidekick will die, preferably in an act of heroic sacrifice.



If the hero is chasing after a bad guy driving a cab, he will inevitably run across an entire fleet of cabs all at the same stoplight.



If the hero is in the hospital he always has an IV which he will rip out before he bursts into action. But his arm doesn’t bleed.



If the hero is wrestling with the villain at the edge of a cliff/top of a building, the villain, on top of the hero, will be thrown off just as he is about to choke the hero to death.



If the hero listens to his answering machine and one important message is unexpected then he usually has two very short messages on the tape before, one spoken by a man, one by a women. "Hi John! I’ll see you tomorrow at eight.".... beep ... "This is Sallieeeeee! I'll call again later." ... beep .... and then finally "Ahhhh! The killer is .....". If however the message is expected be sure that it will be the first one on the tape.



If the hero needs to get into a room with an electronic security door then shooting the controls will always open the door. If the hero needs to keep someone from entering the room then shooting the controls will jam the door closed.



If the hero tries to call someone he needs urgently he won't need more than three rings to know that he/she is not there.



If the hero's capabilities in any way depend on any kind of item or weapon, rest assured that the hero will lose possession or control of the item or weapon when he needs it most. He will then regain it despite being powerless, and finish off the villain. Note that guns or firearms of any kind are not allowed to be said item.



If the hero's initial weapon runs out of ammo, and he picks up the gun of a fallen henchman he's killed, he will resign himself to hand-to-hand combat as soon as his second weapon is empty, regardless of how many henchman he's killed and how many more loaded guns are lying around.



If the light bulbs are in a row, they blow in timed sequence.



If the main character has a boss or mentor that has meant everything to that main character, good chance that mentor will turn out to be the bad guy.



If the movie hero has a sidekick and he mentions his family in the first two minutes of the film, the sidekick will surely be killed.



If the movie is a murder story, the hero detective will always show up at the burial. He will always stand next to the grieving family, even if he doesn't know them, or be in the same camera shot. No one will ask who he is no matter how small the funeral is. If not, then he will observe the funeral from several feet away, sometimes he will lean on a tree or a car.



If the nun isn't a sympathetic character she will always be a sadistic bully. She will inevitably be a teacher.



If the producers find no company to invest into the picture, strange things happen to the world: gas stations have no brand names visible, stars use no-name airlines (they often crash!), all smokers use silver cases for their cigarettes.



If the setting is a New England boarding school or Ivy League college, there will be a shot of the crew team practicing.



If the tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there's always someone around that can interpret the message.



If the travel guide scene is omitted, you'll be treated with the scene where a soldier comments about how nice everything looks, too bad there's a war going on, he's going to come back when this is all over. He'll be shot by a sniper shortly after this scene.



If the villain falls through a skylight while fighting on the roof, he will then score a direct hit on a glass coffee table below.



If there are characters in a film that are from a certain ethnic area as a rule there must be at least one with a certain kind of name: Russian Male: Ivan or Yuri; Russian Female: Natasha; Italian Male: Luigi, Tony; Italian Female: Gina, Maria; Swedish Female: Inga; German Male: Hans, Fritz or Jurgen; American Male: Jack, Jim or Joe.



If there are stairs, the hero will be forced up them backwards by the villain, at which point the hero will either leap to the ground or swing from a rope/chandelier/tapestry to get away.



If there is a candelabra, the villain will show how talented he is with a sword by cutting the candles and watching them fall over; the hero will do the same but the candles won't fall until after the villain has made a comment about the hero's lack of fencing ability, at which point the hero will topple the cut candles, showing that he is more skilled than the villain because his candles didn't fall over from the force of the cut.



If there is a cat in a movie, it will eventually walk across the keyboard of a piano.



If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.



If there is a large bump in a downhill road, speeding cars will always fly over them and hit the ground in shower of sparks. An interior view will then show the reaction of the passengers at the moment of impact. They will not be injured, even if they are not wearing safety belts. No tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur as a result of the impact. The car will then execute a sharp left turn at the bottom of the hill. Losing a hubcap at this point will be optional.



If there is a pregnant woman in the film, no matter when her due date is, she will give birth at the least opportune time and location.



If there is a tapestry or chandelier, the hero will cut it loose and drop it on the villain's henchmen _unless_ the movie is a comedy, in which case the hero will drop it on his own men by accident.



If there is a trough of water present in a Western gunfight scene, at least one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.



If there is more than one or two of an alien race, they are always roughly the same size as humans.



If there is traffic, then that means that the movie is at a more intense part (like a chase scene) in which case there are a lot of cars that crash into each other. None of the important characters get hurt, the accident is never heard on the news, and nobody sues anybody important. Very few people even get out of their cars, and yet, no airbags are to be seen.



If two characters are pregnant, they will always go into labor at the same time.



If two guys are chasing you , the best way to get rid of them is make them shoot at each other, or collide (if in planes or helicopters).



If you and a friend are going to try to blend in with a group of cows in the movies, make sure you're in the head part of the costume. Movie bulls are really turned on by people in cow costumes.



If you are a cowboy, aiming your rifle while using your horse as a support will always assure a first round hit.



If you are a good-looking attorney, you are allowed to ramble about the most insignificant point even if it has nothing to do with the case before the court.



If you are a princess, you always have a favorite lady in waiting, and you always send her to warn the hero of the evil king's intention just in time.



If you are a senior officer in any police force it is mandatory that you have no computer skills.



If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.



If you are ever in a life or death situation, such as war or a police investigation, do not ever talk about your young wife or your kids, especially if the wife is pregnant or the child has just been born. To do so guarantees death.



If you are leaning over a ship's rail saying goodbye to a loved one, your final words will be lost in a loud blast from the foghorn



If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you.



If you become stranded on an island you're clothes get ripped but only in ways that are provocative without showing actual nudity.



If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.



If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file from the network, it also disappears from the screen.



If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (e.g Clear and Present Danger).



If you don't have a key to a door, don't worry, you can kick it and it will open up immediately



If you don't have a parachute, just cling on to someone who has got one and don't let go until you're down.



If you get sucked out into the space (because of a hole in the wall), you have always to do one or two somersaults while flying to the opening.



If you have a bad dream, you will launch out of bed to a 90 degree position when you wake up. Then sigh.



If you have a crush on the coolest/most popular/best looking guy/girl in school and you complain to your best friend/mother/father/brother that he/she doesn't even notice you because you are ugly, expect a long lecture about how he/she should like you for what's inside of you, even though you only care for your crush's looks.



If you lose a hand, it causes the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.



If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -- even if you haven't been carrying any before now.



If you see the flame of an explosion if you're in a tunnel then get up and run as fast as you can. You have a good chance of outrunning it even though shockwaves can travel faster than the speed of sound. In fact, ignore shockwaves, its the flame you're worried about. So duck at the last second or jump into the air. Jumping into the air makes you travel faster because the explosion will push you forward like wind and will not hurt you.



If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.



If you want to destroy a Computer, you only have to smash the keyboard and the monitor. This will also immediately terminate all running tasks and applications and/or delete all critical files.



If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.



If you're a high school student in a film, you will always get one of the preferable eye-level lockers.



If you're a woman in a film and have just finished a steamy lovemaking session, make sure to lay back and pull the sheets up to your neck, just like in real life.



If you're in San Francisco, you absolutely will see cars driving downhill at high speed through the 40 degree steep roads, leaping hundreds of feet up in the air, with no injuries or damage to the vehicles.



If you've had a fight with a lover and call their home in order to make up, you can be sure that if the machine picks up this means that the person is home, sitting next to it and crying. The scorned lover will only pick up the phone and say hello as you're done apologizing and have hung up.



If, during a fencing match, the combatants demonstrate their skill by cutting through all the candles on a candelabrum, the light level in the room will remain constant.



If, during a fight a weak character gets their hands on a gun and points it at the villain, the villain will always react in a confident manner and approach the terrified person with the loaded gun, saying give me the gun or you won't shoot me. Despite the fact that the person holding the gun has the villain at their mercy, they will always either hand the gun over or allow the villain to get close enough to snatch it out of their hands.



In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets" will be referred to.



In a bar fight scene, the following will surely occur: Someone will smash a bottle of another’s head, or alternatively, smash it on the bar, and then jam in in another’s face, Someone will tip a round table over, Someone will be slid along the length of the bar, Someone will get thrown into the bottles/glasses behind the bar, Someone will have a bar stool broken over their head, The hero will force a villain onto his back, a quirky line will be said, and then fighting will continue, The barman always ducks behind the bar at the start, and emerges unscathed at the end regardless of how many people, bottles etc. have been throw there during the fight, Unusual bar decor is often used as a weapon, A glass of whiskey will always be at hand to throw into the villains face, no matter how badly the bar i smashed up, The villain can usually escape from the full effects of the said drink in the face by clutching his eyes and blundering about for a second or two, before resuming the fight, There will always be a really fat/big guy who, though strong enough to laugh when the hero hits him in the face, will get beaten senseless seconds later.



In a basketball game, the star will always hit the winning basket as the timer hits 0:00 or he'll get fouled and make his free throws with no time on the clock.



In a battle between opposing submarines, the two antagonists will pass perilously close to each other under “silent running”.



In a blackout, lights always flash several times before finally going out.



In a chase, all movie women must be pulled along by their hands, even if the male puller is short & fat and the woman is a track star.



In a city car chase, there will be a little old lady with shopping or a blind person crossing the road. The bad guy will speed past, leaving the pedestrian flustered, while the good guy screeches to a halt and patiently waits for the pedestrian to reach the other side.



In a comedy, where there is pie, there will be face.



In a disaster movie, the hero's wife/ex-wife/potential wife/child/mother/family member is always the only person caught in the sinking subway carriage/runaway train/about-to-be-blown-up building.



In a duel, if the villain wounds the hero in his sword arm, one of three things will happen:

A) hero becomes ambidextrous and fights with sword in other hand;

B) hero finds something else to defend himself with (tapestry, chain, Mossberg 12-gauge) that can be used with the other hand;

C) hero's girlfriend/sidekick comes up behind villain and impales him, thus saving hero.



In a duel, if hero is disarmed by villain, one of three things will happen:

A) villain will show a trace of honor and allow hero to get his sword;

B) hero will make mad dash/leap over or around villain to regain sword;

C) just when it looks like the end, hero's girlfriend/sidekick throws a sword to him, which he manages to grab easily



In a duel or in a gunfight between two characters standing in a street, at least one character is always hit on the first exchange of gunfire.



In a fight near a precipice the villain must attempt to push the hero over. During the struggle, the fighters will engage in the wittiest/grittiest/most moving dialogue of the film. Then the hero will escape from the clinch, only to hurl the villain over the same precipice to his grisly demise.



In a film where a character attends a martial arts class he or she will be attacked sometime during the film so he or she can demonstrate the techniques they have learned.



In a gunfight, always jump behind a couch as if it was bulletproof.



In a horror film when there is a full moon there is either an owl or a wolf howling in the distance



In a movie theatre showing a 3D-movie something must crash through the screen giving the audience a 3D-experience.



In a poker game, the idiot in the movie lays down his cards (always a big hand). As he begins to sweep the chips off the table and everyone else is throwing their cards down in disbelief, the hero slams down a monster hand and takes everyones money, ending the poker session.



In a prison or a gym, when someone is about to be threatened, it usually takes place when the subject is on his back pumping iron and the bar is lowered onto his neck thus reshaping the windpipe and driving some point home.



In a protracted encounter between submarine and destroyer, the respective captains will develop a grudging respect for each other.



In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the future have lost this technology.



In a sports movie, the good guys always need a miracle (a surprise move or something that hasn't worked so far) to win and they always get one.



In a sports movie, winning ability doesn't come from practice or natural talent. It comes from someone saying a long, inspirational rant.





In a submarine, a depth-charge attack will result in the flooding of a compartment. Crewmen will have to close a hatch on their drowning comrades in order to save the sub.



In a swordfight, you can always parry behind your back, and you must always find a set of stairs to fight on so that the loser can roll down them and die at the bottom.



In a war movie, everyone can instantly read and understand the map references. We are here. Jab at the map. The enemy is over here. Another jab at the map. No one ever says, "Hold on Sarge, I didn't get that.".



In a war movie, if somebody mentions that they have been waiting their whole life for this, they usually die or get severely injured.



In action movies: 1) if the camera focuses on a bad guy pointing a sniper gun on someone else and a second later another camera focuses on that person-the bad guy will always hit him, unless it's the hero. 2) if the camera focuses only on one person, an ambushing enemy will always surprise him and kill him, unless(again) it's the hero. 3) if the camera focuses only on the ambusher waiting for the hero to come, then when the ambusher will jump out of his hideout he will not see the hero.as soon as he starts looking for the hero the hero will surprise him from behind.



In all high school or college classrooms, the teacher or professor will always be interrupted in mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.



In all movies, warps have the same effect: the stars change to lines.



In an action movie, if a fish tank is present it'll ALWAYS get smashed/broken/shot to pieces.



In an average group of hostages there is always an ill or pregnant woman.



In animated films, fat women are usually sympathetic and mother-like. When a woman is skinny, has an angular face, and wears odd clothes, she's undoubtedly the evil villain, and always the Cruella type.



In any area devastated by war, it takes the discovery of a child's toy in the rubble to show us the futility of it all.



In any fantasy movie, whenever the hero confronts a point of no return and has the option of crossing it, undoubtedly he will cross it, and will always be able to heroically return eventually with some sort of clever manipulation or trick.



In any international corporate computer system, the root user will not be a security-obsessed system administrator, but rather, the company's CEO, whose password is password.



In any movie where "something" has happened and villagers come to look at it, they always decide to "go for help". The most expendable member of the group is left to "keep an eye on it", and supplied with a weapon or signaling device "in case something happens". Said member ALWAYS responds: "What could happen?" This is a certain signal that he will die, gruesomely, within 2 minutes.



In any movie with an animal that can play a sport, a referee will be consulted and inevitably return the ruling, There's no rule that says the dog/horse/monkey can't play!



In any type of sports movie, a player on the field can look up into a crowd of 1 billion and immediately spot their loved one.



In car chases, there is always a bottled water truck, which seems to lose part of it's load tumbling down the street.



In emergencies, anyone can pick up flying a helicopter.



In every bar fight, some guy is thrown over the counter.



In every high school movie there is always the scene of the 3 most beautiful girls in schools walking down the hallway in sync while the rest of the student body pauses to stare in awe. This is always done with music being played in the background.



In every movie in which a plague has wiped out a major part of the population (even months or years later) lawns and shrubbery seem to be perfectly maintained.



In every old bookcase there is a certain book, that if you pull it, a secret door will open.



In every romantic comedy, there is always a segment in which the couple moves from friends to lovers in a matter of minutes. This is comprised of several shots of the couple doing silly things together - riding a bike, spilling ice-cream, playfully wrestling in a park, etc. This segment has no audio but is overlayed with a cheesy remake of an up-beat oldies song. Coming out of this segment usually finds the couple hand in hand walking and/or breathless from all the frivolity. Immediately thereafter comes the conflict (ex-lover, illness, etc.)



In every school, there is at least one nerd or wimp that is shoved into lockers that are big enough to hold them.



In every space movie, there's always a spaceship or a bomb exploding. The problem is, that there is no air in space, which means nothing can explode, and the spaceships can only break apart.



In film, no one uses the restroom, except as a venue for escape. If there are multiple people in the restroom, expect a minor character revelation while they stand at the mirror



In high school, if college is mentioned, the smartest characters will want to go to Harvard.



In high school, students in classrooms usually are inattentive and having side conversations. And the school is always huge.



In horror films, all bad guys/aliens will always break through barricades no matter how much time was spent building it.



In horror movies, any person, whether young or old, who smokes any type of illegal substance must die sometime during the movie.



In horror movies, the group always splits off into different groups, thus helping the killer to pick them off one by one



In jail, there must be a brutal guard and an evil scheming warden.



In mental institutions or psychiatric offices, the first doctor encountered is actually one of the patients.



In most sport movies, the awesome, fantastic career, always winning sportsman, always makes a bad start at his final and most important game.



In movie land nobody reads letters silently to themselves. No matter how personal or disturbing the contents, they must hand them to a second party to read outloud.



In movieland a young couple can't wash a car together without spraying and throwing soapy sponges at each other while dancing around and laughing moronically.



In movieland, play-by-play announcement is provided over loudspeakers for those attending the event.



In movieland, there's an abundance of corrupt helicopter pilots. Villains have no problem renting a helicopter complete with pilot who doesn't mind shooting total strangers, or being shot at.



In movies heroes normally knock on the door instead of ringing the bell, and instantly someone, that happens to be right next to the door opens, but it is never the person the hero came to see.



In movies it takes at least 2 minutes for the police to trace a phone call (and the villain always hangs up just in time), yet my Caller ID box tells me who's calling before I even answer the phone.



In movies or TV shows, when anyone steals a boat, the keys are always in the ignition.



In movies set in the past, someone declares that the popularity of a new invention (railroads, telephone, TV), or famous figure, is a phase that will soon be forgotten. Picasso? He'll never amount to anything!



In movies, all gun shop owners are crooked, willing to sell firearms under the table at the first suggestion that they are offered money to forgo paperwork, waiting periods, etc.



In movies, any file, no matter how crucially important/large can fit onto a standard floppy disk. The entire file will take a matter of seconds to save.



In movies, United Nations is always in session. If you need to make an announcement to the nations of the world, just interrupt the signal on UN's huge video screen in the General Assembly room.



In nearly every movie or television show, a character will at one point splash water on their face when they are in shock, near death, in love, drunk, facing criminals, upset, lost a loved one, killed a loved one, etc.



In New York there is always an empty parking stall right out front.



In old horror and sci-fi movies, teenagers are either A) Victims who will be killed while making out, or B) Witnesses to whatever hideous creature is threatening their town. This latter type will never be believed by adults, especially members of law enforcement.



In order for a foreign student to go to America, that student must have a name that immediately reminds Americans of the student's nationality. (Pierre, Fritz, Inga...)



In poker, winners of big pots always do so with the most improbable hands imaginable. The chances of getting a Royal Flush in real life are one in 650,000. The chances of getting a Royal Flush in a movie, about fifty-fifty.



In science fiction, no matter what sort of jam the heroes are in, they can always get out of it by 'reversing the polarity'.



In situations like the Vietnam war, and violent inner city neighborhoods, the person with the most plans, prospects, and hopes will die.



In soccer gamesi n the movies, the winning goal is usually scored with a spectacular overhead kick, which is not very common in real games.



In sports films, the underdog will win at the last second, and it will be in slow motion.



In the aftermath of a nuclear war, the survivors are suddenly overcome with the urge to dress like punk rockers and heavy metal musicians.



In the city the chase is taking place ,the police are incompetent boobs with inferior cars that will only fall in behind the perpetrator, adding to the destruction.



In the event that an electronic device is not working it can be fixed by simply cracking open the control panel and putting two random wires together causing a spark.



In the first act of a movie, if a man is pictured in his 17th floor office putting golf balls into a cup, or especially into one of those office golf sets, he will have lost everything by the end of the movie.



In the future, everyone will spend their time standing around explaining everyday objects and practices to each other in terms of their Twentieth-Century equivalents.



In the movies, all jazz musicians are junkies/alcoholics, chain-smokes have about once a month, & never, ever have any money.



In the old Wild West all bullets ricocheted with exactly the same sound.



In the West, the favored hand-to-hand combat technique is to throw yourself prostrate on the other guy and hug him.



In wars, the bad guys and the good guys always wear different colors, so that the audience never misses who is killing who.



In Westerns, nobody completely dies from a gunshot wound until he grabs the shot area and falls to the ground.



In Westerns, to start a fight, you must first be playing cards. Then either accuse someone of cheating or starting losing and get upset about it. If the two fighters rise slowly from the table, that is a signal for everyone else to look at each other knowingly, and then leave very quickly. If one of the fighters kicks/throws the table out of the way, that is a signal for everyone else to join in.



In you input a partial password on someone else's computer, the system will give you additional prompts that will enable you to guess the rest.



Incoming asteroids spend several minutes in Earth's atmosphere.



Incriminating evidence can be found either as photograph number four in a stack, or in the next to bottom drawer.



Incriminating evidence will always be found as photograph number four in a stack, or in the next to bottom drawer. Important data storage will have labels like "tape of Senator Foggbotham with underage girl" or "List of all nuclear launch codes."



Inertial dampers will always prevent passengers from being plastered against the walls during acceleration into warp speed, yet any explosion will send passengers reeling across the room.



Inside a prison there is always a boss among the convicts. Usually he's black, blind and crippled surrounded by tough black musclemen, and he is the one the white hero has to see to get something.



Interbreeding is genetically possible with any person or creature from anywhere in the universe.



Interrogation rooms will have one swinging light for the cop to flash the suspect in the face.



Is you computer transferring a file too slowly? Simply repeat the words 'come on, come on' in an anxious voice, & the giant blue downloading bar will finish.



It always seems that when you have a small picture or you want to see something in the distance on a picture, you can just magnify it and then enhance it.



It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.



It doesn't matter how close you are to death, (even if you have a serious head injury) you always have a good 10-20 minutes to give a very descriptive, sentimental monologue.



It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors



It has never come into consideration that someone may want to read the book that triggers the secret door



It is absolutely essential that the main sports star of a movie have some horrific accident in the most crucial game of the season yet somehow manage to scrape his mangled body from the field and continue. The said sports star will undoubtedly score the winning goal/basket/touchdown etc and will recover from his accident within thirty seconds.



It is always personal for the hero. If the hero is a cop, he/she is always pushed back by their superiors and will somehow take justice into their own hands.



It is always possible to enhance any video footage from any source using a computer.



It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.



It is always winter in the Soviet Union.



It is not necessary to plug electric guitars into amplifiers in the movies. You can play anywhere with full tonality.



It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.



It is possible to guess someone's password in just a few guesses. More than likely, it will be the name of their dog or one of their children.



It is possible to use a helicopter to sneak up on someone.



It is standard army training procedure that the brightest, most promising recruit will always be forced to wash an immense latrine armed only with their toothbrush.



It takes a few days of training to transform a group of peasants into an well organised army able to storm any castle or defeat large amounts or heavily armed knights.



It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.



It's easy to pull the pin on a grenade with your teeth.



It's easy to walk through an unfamiliar forest on a moonless night.



It's impossible to solve a case unless the hero has been taken officially off of it.



It's only the fact that everything is locked into an orbit which prevents collisions in our solar system. Any asteroid that gets loose is certain to crash into Earth within a matter of hours.



Just before the hero cop is about to crack the case he always needs another 48 hours from the angry police lieutenant. He then goes straight to the guy on the street who knows everyone bad and everything they've ever done who tells him who the bad guy is.



Keys from any policeman's belt will unlock handcuffs put on by any other policeman.



Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.



Landlords and landladies are not particularly intelligent, but they remember everything about everybody who ever visited a murdered tenant.



Laptops are shutdown by simply closing the screen on top of the keyboard.



Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.



Large groups of nuns always seem to be crossing the street during a car chase.



Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed



Laser beams are easily visible in space.



Lawyers frequently call witnesses to the stand with no idea of what they are going to say. Fortunately, the good lawyer generally has some kind of revelation (often in the form of a flashback) that tells him/her what questions to ask. This inspired questioning often causes the witness to confess



Light level is not a reliable gauge of whether it's night outside. You have to judge by the cricket noises.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Check out the book How to Be a Villain: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans, and More!!! by Neil Zawacki and James Dignan. It's very thorough, even outlining some types of heroes.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

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Answer 6

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Answer 7

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Answer 8

This is a link where you can downlod for free Broken Sword Return of the Templars: http://bitly.com/1ub1tkx



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Answer 9

Watching tv is simpler but I love reading catalogs more

Answer 10

2

Answer 11

1

Answer 12

All I can think of is HERO cliches... oh wait, here's one.



"..And I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!"



Sorry, can't think of any more.

Answer 13

Cheese n rice does that poster deserve best answer!

Answer 14

The butler did it.