Do you think some battered wives are partly to blame?

Question

I know a married couple; the husband abuses the wife physically, emotionally and sexually, and it's a pretty well-known fact in our community. He's been arrested.

But sometimes I think the wife brings it on herself. She uses drugs and probably cheats on her husband. They are both alcoholics. She can be vicious and mean if someone gets on her bad side.

I'm not saying it's entirely her fault, but she is truly messed up. Isn't it kind of her fault for behaving so childishly?

Answer 1

NO. We have freedom of speech and free will, and although consequences to what we say and do may consist of losing relationships with people, the consequences should never be physical or sexual abuse.



A person who is being provoked by another person should always walk away before striking them. If a wife cheats on her husband, the husband should leave the wife instead of physically or sexually abusing her. If a woman falls into drug/alcohol abuse, anyone who loves her will try to get her professional help. If the husband isn't helping her, the next option is to leave her. Violence isn't an option, nor does it help.



Emotional abuse is a tricky one (in terms of whether or not it is deserved). If a man calls a woman a B**** for cheating on him, many would agree it is deserved... but what did that solve? Nothing. He wants to hurt her for hurting him, but two wrongs don't make a right. Leaving her says enough. Calling her every name in the book might make the husband feel better (sense of revenge), but it would be more constructive to both if he explained how he was feeling instead. If he is emotionally abusive in other ways, (e.g. telling her she's worthless or unlovable), then that is not constructive either, and would probably make the problems (cheating and substance abuse) worse. It's possible that the problems started because of his abuse, or at least continued because of his abuse. The husband should have helped her or left her, but never should have abused her.



It also needs to be said that she should leave him if he is abusing her, instead of turning to drugs or cheating on him, because again.. two wrongs don't make a right. She should've walked away from the problem instead of adding to the problem.





@ Kris W: When kids fought at school, it was always the person who threw the first punch that got in more trouble. Us kids (boys and girls) knew that, and would always provoke the other person to throw the first punch, then go at it. It is wrong for you to say, "the judicial system views physical and verbal violence again men as acceptable while physical and verbal violence against women is unacceptable", because it has always been that the person who is physically abusive is the one that gets in trouble, male or female. In your example, "B" should have walked away, instead of resorting to physical harm, and is charged accordingly. That is how it has been judged, no matter the gender of the attacker. In school, the person who threw the first punch was suspended for 10 days or even expelled, while the other person was suspended for one day, if at all. This was the case even if the person who threw the first punch turned out to lose the fight, and was beat to a pulp by the other. Gender did NOT effect this policy. It just so happens that, as adults, women tend to be "person A" in your example, and men tend to be "person B" in your example. The actions are judged accordingly. You can't say that a person "provoked you" to physically harm them. It's Freedom of Speech vs Physical Assault. We all learned this concept at a very young age. You're supposed to walk away.

Answer 2

I think you can not have a general statement to fit all cases. Certainly there are cases where a battered wife should be smart enough to move on and doesn't so perhaps you could blame her but there are always different facts in a case. For example, in this case perhaps she didn't drink, cheat on her husband and become vicious and mean until she met him and he taught her those things and perhaps she developed them as a self defense mechanism, or perhaps she taught him those things. In some cases where there is abuse, perhaps we need mandatory counseling for the abused so that they do not go back and allow the cycle to continue. She may be childish but that is still no reason for abuse anymore than abusing a child would be.

Answer 3

I would pray that there are no children involved in this situation.

No one "brings it on" themselves. That is a very "male" perception of this type of violence. Partners always have a "choice" of actions when it comes to how they address or respond to each other and each needs to take responsibility for "their" choices. Substance dependency does nothing to enhance the situation.

Nothing justifies abuse of another be it wife, husband, child, grand parent, or even a neighbor..

If they chose to remain in the relationship then they separately made that choice. There is not much you can do except report what you have first hand knowledge of, it may just save a life.

If you are concerned and wish to "help" them there are way of notifying the appropriate authorities anonymously.

You stated that he's been arrested but the full story is seldom rendered to law enforcement or councilors.

Answer 4

Statistically, about half of IPV (intimate partner violence) is reciprocal (that means 'mutual combat'). Thus both parties are equally violent. Although that may not be the case in the situation you mention, it certainly gives us a clue about how people (couples) can get themselves into mixed up relationships. There are often MANY variables in terms of personality, expectations, and interactions. Does she bring the violence on herself? No. Probably not. Does she contribute to the relationship's problems? Probably. Seldom does a couple exist in a vacuum.



Childish? No. many people use drugs and some abuse them. You cannot confirm any 'cheating', so please do not assume.



Couples therapy might be beneficial for those two. Rehab too, but AA will probably have no effect.

Answer 5

This sounds like a lot of excuses for someone who likes to beat and rape other ppl, and wants to justify their actions.



Lots of men and women act childishly, but I don't believe they are partly to blame if they are beaten and raped. Not too many juries today are going to let someone go for being a beater and rapist just because the victim was annoying them.



Plenty of ppl can be vicious and mean at one time or another, but I don't recall that being an excuse to beat and rape them. I don't think that ppl who use drugs deserve to be beaten and raped, even if they "probably" cheat on their partner.

Answer 6

It's not her fault she's being abused. If she's behaving in the way you describe, then the husband had the options of leaving the relationship or kicking her out.

Besides if she really was using drugs, the husband could have dobbed her in to the police.

Violence in this situation was excessive, and there is no excuse for sexual assault.

Answer 7

First, the only thing we can be responsible for is our own actions, so no matter what she does, he is always responsible for his action if he strikes her. And that's never acceptable.



However, I do believe there are women who grew up in homes where they or their mothers were beaten by their fathers, and to them, that is what love and marriage is. They don't know any other way to related to a man.



All around us, people are dying in horrid tragic ways. There are car accidents and people falling down stairs and children falling into pools every day, and yet most of us manage to function. But if that person dying were our own loved one, we would be devastated. It is the love for the person that makes their suffering real to us.



Similarly, some women raised in these environments think at some level that if their husband didn't love them, he wouldn't get so angry at them, and therefore it proves his love. You sometimes see a related dynamic where a woman will flirt with another guy until her man gets furious. His jealousy is proof that he loves her.



Women with that sort of pattern in their minds actually seek out violent men. Because if she does her normal behavior (drinking, cheating, nagging, whatever) and her guy gets fed up, gets enraged, and maintains control of himself and goes out for a long walk to calm down or goes to a bar and gets drunk instead of slapping her, she isn't interested in him. She dumps him for the cretin who will hit her.



And then there are guys who like to play mind games and keep a woman unbalanced by criticizing her so that she believes he's her only hope at love, even while he's beating the crap out of her. He gets off on having her cowering at his feet, and normal women will walk off the first time he starts playing these games. But eventually he finds one with poor self esteem who buys into his verbal abuse, and they "fit" together.



It's a very complicated dynamic, and you can't blame just one party for the whole dynamic.



But when it comes right down to it, he shouldn't hit her. Period.

Answer 8

In some cases the female partner starts the violence and comes off worse after a fight. In other cases she has a personality disorder that makes her attracted to violent men. It's not really a question of blame. I think that passive weak willed women or men are drawn to violent domineering men/women in a Darwinian attempt to create a balanced gene pool! Sparks will fly and people will get hurt but that's nature.

Answer 9

Good god, I hope u never have ne kids if u honestly believe that someone deserves ne physical, emotional, or sexual abuse for acting childishly.

Answer 10

No.



He doesn't have to hit her. He can be a man and walk away.



I have been baited into striking my ex during an argument, "You wanna hit me now don't you....C'MON HIT ME!!! YOU G*****MN P****Y! ...etc..."



She rewarded me for my lack of physical response by breaking a glass and cutting me with a shard of the broken glass.



I got her calmed down enough to take a ride to the hospital with me. She started to punch me while I was driving. So I got her to calm down again, stopped at a gas station, gave her a couple of bucks, and asked her to get us a pack of cigarettes. When she went in I drove away. Left her 30 miles from home.



But I never struck her.

Answer 11

Is it your opinion that when people behave childishly and foolishly, they should be beaten, or at least that they deserve to be?



Or do you think that this man has no other choice, he is forced to do what he does because there is no other way to handle the situation (such as leaving his childish, badly behaved wife or helping her get into a rehab programme)?



People are responsible for their own actions. She takes drugs that's down to her. He uses his hands on another human being, that's down to him.



Cheers :-)

Answer 12

There is no justification for anything those two deadbeats do to each other. But physical and sexual abuse are the ultimate crimes.

Answer 13

Simply put, yes. Keyword being "some".





Archer,

I disagree. People can "bring it on themselves". If a person decides to walk through a gang infested area, calling people punks and pansies, and wearing hostile colors, they may not "deserve it", but they know damn well what can happen. If someone pokes a bear with a stick and is mauled, they "brought it on themself". There are some things that people just shouldn't do.

You say you have ten years law enforcement...You also say, "No one "brings it on" themselves. That is a very "male" perception of this type of violence." I heard of feminists teaching law enforcement how to handle certain things and assisting their training. I was not sure if that was true, but your comment could possibly support that. I have known some feminists in person, and that sounds just like something one of them would say.



EDIT:

I knew some women who were always with violent partners. They would tell stories (it seemed like part of the reason they told the story was for attention), and it often sounded like they were the instigator. Yelling, screaming, insulting, hitting the partner...

Judging by how they acted in person, it is no surprise someone would want to hit them. They were always confrontational, loud, annoying, never shut up...I am very lazy and passive, and I often wanted to throw them out a window.

Answer 14

He married her - she's an adult. If he can't live with her, he can divorce her. There's no excuse for abuse.

Quite possibly she is truly messed up because her husband has contributed largely to it.

The bottom line is we don't know how much she has contributed to the breakdown of their marriage. However, why blame her for the abuse?

Answer 15

I think 3/4ths of domestic disputes are started by the wife. The simple fact is the judicial system views physical and verbal violence again men as acceptable while physical and verbal violence against women is unacceptable.



It is like who really started a fight, a person A who walks up to person B and starts to yell and scream in person B's face and even smacks person B, then person B knocks person A out. Who is to blame?



Both are in that situation. But society only punishes men.

Answer 16

If he hits her in self-defense, that's one thing. If he's regularly beating the crap out of her, no.

Answer 17

Doesn't matter if she cheats, have a bad personality and lifestyle, NO man should EVER HIT A WOMAN. If I had a husband like that, I would be b*tchy too.

Answer 18

Have you ever considered that she probably uses drugs because of how her husband treats her?

Answer 19

How dare you! We wimmin are perfect! That's why we steal from our husbands and sleep around.

Answer 20

I know that when i realize a woman fears me i start to get meaner and some men take that to the extreme and beat them.